ready, set, let go.

March 19, 2010

i don’t know what words are coming, the story that will be here in an hour or two. it’s often the case when i am writing, so i’m not terribly worried, but get ready for me being all over the place. because i am, literally, all over the place. that being said, i want to take a moment to note that last night when i sat down to start this, i was in t-shirt, cut off shorts and bare feet, the doors of my house were wide open, newly opened bursts of jasmine outside the open windows carried the scent that is honey and summer, and i was drinking a cup of vanilla coffee and soaking up the unseasonal, soft, warm night. it was so beautiful, and i was so grateful at the end of what had been an odd day.

yesterday was st. patrick’s day, and for this auspicious irish occasion, there was an 8am gathering in my daughter’s class of parents, kiddos, and one effervescent first grade teacher, to see if any leprechauns had snuck in overnight. there were greens sparkles all over the floor – telltale leprechaun tracks –  and chocolate coins and green rubber lizards and bead necklaces and green pencils and – you get the point. eventually class started and i left with my friend jilly. she realized she had forgotten something in the classroom, so she jumped in my car and i pulled over in front of the school to drop her there. five seconds later a motorcycle cop was behind me flashing his lights and gesturing to pull over. i had violated traffic code 22400, and was busted.

that’s a lot of set up for a traffic ticket (i know, yawn, get to the point), but to contextualize what happened, i want all of you to feel how sweet a morning it was. and then it just wasn’t, because a wound-up and seemingly angry man in a helmet and mirrored sunglasses put his face in my car window and yelled at me. he ticketed me, and left as i was speaking. really, mid-sentence, he turned his back to me, and so i said, to his back side, there is room for kindness, you could choose to be kind.

it wasn’t even 8.30am, and the aggression of that five-minute interaction was with me all day. it gave me such pause, and made me think of the people in my life… who i am drawn to, who repels me, how we weave our way through the world, and what we carry with us. i am so drawn to light, and buoyancy, and depth of soul. what do we give to others as we move through our lives? what do we get? how do we discern between what is ours to take, to take on, to give back, to share, to say no to? and how is it that people come in to our lives for a time, be it briefly or long-term, and are there, almost intuitively, with the nourishment we seek or need at exactly that moment? does like attract like? nice beget nice? or is the universe always aiming for perfect balance, giving us and taking away what we need and don’t need?

(this is, by the way, where faith, on a very small but powerful level, figures in to my life. i am not a religious person, but i have deep faith in the rhythm of the world. our greatest source of balance is in nature – our seasons, the cycles of the moon, the way our bodies attune themselves to environment and climate and circumstance and food. everything we need is in nature, but that is certainly another topic for another day.)

i have people in my life, such lovely, gifted, kind, fascinating people. in the past year or two (i think because somewhere in my heart i asked for them, in the most brave and authentic way i could) there is a handful of people that have landed or been invited in, people i never anticipated or expected. and what they bring to me – the learning and stretching and trusting and emboldened spirit i have kindled – lets me imagine how full this life may be.

next week i will turn forty-five. it seems like a mid-point, a very hefty, holy crap kind of mid-point. but it doesn’t feel that way. as i look back and look forward, it is with a strange feeling of being anchored and untethered all at the same time that i see the choice of things. that what we choose leads us to what we experience, suffer through, celebrate, feel deeply within, love, let go of. we are responsible for our choices, and therefore our lessons. turning thirty, all those years ago when i was still living in san francisco, showed me two really valuable things: that i can say no to whatever i need to say no to, and i can be selective – beautifully, fully, unapologetically selective.

years later, halfway through my forties, i am finally learning to ask for what i want – even those things that seem impossible or lofty or out of reach. i am learning to ask for help, for kindness, for love, for significance, for courage, for people who matter and love and will be here for the journey if they can be. i am learning to listen and hear – no matter how painful the words – what other people need and want and may not need or want from me. i am learning to listen, to my own voice, my own truths, about what i don’t want, and what i do.

here’s what i know. i want. i want a lot. i want to receive a lot. to give, a lot. i want to take things on that will challenge me. i want to let go of the things that don’t. the things that impede, or limit, or that bind because of fear, or doubt, or history, and pattern. if i am lucky, and longevity and health are what stretch out in front me, than next week’s friday could very well be my middle point, part two or three or four of who knows how many parts of this life of mine, gone and coming. i am grateful for what has been, and so hopeful for what will come. i am asking for so much, but i think not too much, as long as there is graciousness and gratitude living within me. i am letting fall away what needs to go, so there is room for what needs to come. i am ready, and set, and letting go.

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2 Responses to “ready, set, let go.”

  1. Rene Rosso Says:

    And speaking of your birthday, don’t even CONSIDER what is heading south to your mailbox this year. Love love love.

  2. gail simmons Says:

    I really loved this one K. An early Happy Birthday to you love and hope to talk to you soon. Thank you so, for your writing. Very inpiring!
    Aloha nui,
    Gail


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