September 3, 2010

yesterday was my tenth wedding anniversary. ricky and i were married september 2nd, 2000, and it was one of the loveliest days i’ve ever seen and been a part of. it had rained two days before the big day – which is weird, on the last day of august, in california – and more rain was enough of a possibility that a good friend (and amazing costumer) made a delicate silk jacket to wear over my wedding dress in case the weather stayed strange. but the morning of our wedding i awoke to perfect blue skies and puffy white clouds, and when i walked out of the kitchen to our backyard early-early with fresh coffee in my hand, the air was so soft and fragrant i could taste its perfume on my tongue.

and here, now, ten years have passed. three thousand days and nights, give or take some hundreds on the plus side. take a thousand or more off the three and fill those nights with a snoring dog, a child wrestling for covers and sometimes, if i am lucky, long legs stretched diagonally across the bed that moved with ricky and i from one house to another and then another. the bed is mine now, the legs are mine. i feed the snoring dog and languish many too many kisses on the child; it all makes sense and i am happy within it. yet still i work to reconcile and make sense of a picture that is very different than the picture i had in my mind and in my heart when i said, those thousands of days ago, “i do, and i will, and will again, joyfully.”

don’t get me wrong: i am joyful, i wear it and i feel it and i work to create it. not just for me but for my small family and an ever-growing handful of loving friends that share my life with me. and here, another important point: the breakdown of the marriage ricky and i created and agreed to and shared didn’t take place in a single moment. we evolved towards marriage, evolved within it collectively and singularly, and eventually we evolved away from it. bad things happened to us both and by us both, but the overriding occurrences and circumstances, the ones that i feel and remember, were laughter and learning and time with friends, and animals, and family. we bought and created a home together. that home was a safe haven for us, and our friends, and an array of dogs that needed a place to be loved, most especially our own dogs. we made a baby together and have watched her become a person together these past seven years. and we have tried, with our teeth gritted and our tempers barely in check at times, to do the right thing. for maya. for us. for our tender history, and future. for love.

but what now? how far can evolution carry itself in to something that has less structure, less attachment, less visceral commitment? and the mores, they also work against an evolution of connection: more autonomy, more freedom, more choices, more knowledge of what i want and don’t want, will and won’t do, choose to avoid and embrace, even celebrate. i ask and i wonder and i release and then i reconnect, because the connection with ricky my estranged is so seasoned and comfortable and steeped in familiarity and filled with love. it would be so much easier to break this down, rip it open, stomp it to shreds, if there were more anger and animosity and tension fueling the shift.

but there is love. and with love, i have learned, slowly and with some pain, comes responsibility. and there is maya, our beautiful spot of light that needs us both, present and whole and kind. and there is rick, the one i love and wish only happiness. and finally, there is me. with my heart that beats deeply and always works to love well. and my mind, that still turns things over and over until something makes sense the way i need it to. and my body, which is different from the body i seemed to inhabit for so long (you know, the one that never tired, or felt pain, and could pull off the daisy dukes), the one which reaches deeper and sways differently and whose touch has been informed by parenting, and comforting, and longing, and loving. so i decided, regarding this landmark set of days, the ones i have felt hovering out there on the horizon for some time now, to trust and surrender and allow for what may be. because the what-may-be’s are exciting, and delicious, and rattle up my spine, when i give in and give over to the possibilities of what lie ahead.

and with such a surrender, the visceral connection – the one that has held us and kept us engaged and loving but also kept us from what will come next – grows faint and weaker and sits outside the day to day movement of my life just a bit more. i can look at it and feel it and know that it is there, but its pull isn’t strong in the same way, and i know other connections have been made – are being made – just as they should be. for life evolves, and holding on with my tightest grip to something that is changing has never altered its course, it’s just kept me attached and resistant. and if i am attached and resistant, how will i ever untangle my arms and my heart enough to wrap them around my next lesson, my next laughter, my next love?


6 Responses to “evolution.”

  1. Germaine Says:


  2. Mel Says:

    I love this. xoxo

  3. sharlene Says:

    Let go, Kerri….all will be well and will be what you want…I promise.. xoxoxoxo

  4. Barry & Sue Says:

    loved it this is new for me , i am trying a new skill for me i am growing up will we see you soon/? love sue and bar

  5. Mimi Says:

    bee u tee ful girl you need to write a novel. your spirt filled prose warms my heart. it truly, truly does!

  6. Thank you for sharing, Kerry.

    There is a lesson for me in your writing. Interestingly, I received your message simultaneously with one from Jim that said how much he misses me. In your words I find strength, the strength to let go and to trust in what lies beyond the pain of loving one who betrayed me.

    Do you know Julie Daniel from Claremont? She has just published a book called “I Ching, Mothering Change” and with it a website. The website is fun, it features an I Ching Oracle that you can consult, and although I am not normally into “magical thinking”, I found the messages of the Oracle to be quite relevant, meaningful and almost prescient for my time of transformation. Here is the address: http://www.motheringchange.com/

    I love your courage and strength…

    x Cat

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