dropping a few pounds.

October 22, 2010

is forty five too young for a retrospective? is this a reasonable place to go after a few years of rather intense introspection? i am looking backward and looking forward and checking in with all the brave girls i know, and all of us, in our own particular ways, are, simply put, on fire. there is a bounty of work and love and heartache and growth happening for all, and i can’t help but thinking, these lessons and the knowledge gleaned from them, just have to be placed somewhere.

but before i get to that whole drama, let me preface. there are swirly thoughts pouring out of my head. i have spent days going through 17 million pieces of paper – schoolwork from maya’s kindergarten and first grade years – and i am so overwhelmed and overwrought by the sheer mass of spelling tests, and math problems, and stories, and turkeys and pumpkins and easter bunnies made out of wax paper and crayons and tissue paper and glitter glue sticks that i just want a stiff drink. or two. damn it i wish i still smoked so i could have a few cigarettes and feel momentarily good and then icky for hours, which is what happens if i try to smoke.

mind you, this isn’t the only purging going on in my life; this is just one tip of many icebergs that i am beginning to endeavor to climb. i am not a spring cleaner; rather, the trips to goodwill and the recycling bin in the back yard and thoughts of “do i have enough wares and more importantly enough patience for a yard sale?’ always hit in the fall. its like i have to clear space to gear down, say so long to lingering summer sunsets, and store food in the sides of my mouth for winter. wait, i am mixing too many metaphors. suffice it all to say that the little note on my facebook page which reads OUT WITH THE OLD is really hitting home as days grow shorter and rain begins to fall.

i have been musing and loitering and dragging my feet in the wistful back rooms of sadness and decision-making for a while now. i’ve tried things on, fallen in love with a few lovely gents and vintage coats and one really unbelievable bathtub porsche that was just my shade of celery green. i have said goodbye to a lot – i continue to – and though my heart hurts from the loneliness of parting with what i love, it does continue to beat.

and so here i am, still letting go, and trusting that what is true will show itself, and what isn’t, won’t. i stick to what i know and love, and just like the plenitudes of objects purged and given away and stored in boxes, what matters somehow always comes back, returns to us even as we have set it free or set it aside or handed it generously to someone else. it may not be the same shape, or figure in as we thought it should, but one day you turn around and bam! there it is.

i have written about the resonance of objects, the lasting impressions of a five-minute interaction with a stranger, the lost photograph discovered which fills a gap we didn’t even know existed. it must be the vibration of connection, and the specific vibratos that strike a chord and stretch out before us. could such a vibration stay in our hearts and shake us for years? i don’t see why not. i still dream about the beautiful boy who threw a glass of ice water down my shirt in a stockholm night club twenty-plus years ago. he was bold, and i noticed, and it made me feel shocked and alive.

these are big icebergs in front of me. all i can see to do – knowing that i can’t avoid or get around them – is to try to scale them with some degree of courage and grace. have i mentioned they are big, really very big? and that i am scared of their vastness? so very scared. but i have weathered a bit in this lifetime, and parenting has taught me to trust in my own abilities at fortitude and gentleness, and so i work to pull the kindness and kick-ass-ness to the surface, even if, at times, they are hiding behind fear in the least accessible part of me.

all this to say, the purge continues, space gets created and then filled, again, and my life’s furniture continues to be at the mercy of me (a chronic re-arranger) as i move things around to build better path ways and build love and dive deep for all that is true and cozy and meaningful.

it is in that spirit, the spirit of celebrating what has been and what is coming, that i turn over this little blog for a bit of time to the book project it was originally created to support. Whether retrospectively or introspectively, 45 seems a perfect moment to share stories of strong, creative, soulful women. women who have survived, have sought, have flourished. there will be pictures here and some words maybe and an open invitation to respond in like. forty women will write and photograph about life in their forties, and though many have been invited and already participated, i welcome any of you to post anything at all.

and just so you know, when tossing out some things, and cataloging others, and doing the work of living this mid-point healthfully and heartfully, a big bunch of gerber daisies on a corner table is always good for a newly re-arranged space, internal or otherwise. go buy some daisies, and tell me what its all about if you feel so inclined.


One Response to “dropping a few pounds.”

  1. lisa Says:

    or better yet go grow some daisies and put them in the center of the counter…or mums in my case in the autumn 🙂
    many blessings and well wishes kl, i understand all too well about introspection and self exploration that goes around and around. and i know about healing, and healing again the hurt that doesn’t go away after round 1 or 2 or 3-
    big hug,

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